Friday, January 14, 2005

My CHRISTMAS HoLiDAYS

I have been away for Christmas. I had a really good time. After chorch on Christmas day Mum asked if I had been a good boy, and I said I had, so then she said she had a surprise. Uncle George was there on a visit and gave me his new action figure. Wow! I was so happy. Push the button and it says "You are the most impressive person I have ever met." Push the button again and the front-mouth says "Sir, you are a monster" and the back-mouth says "Mmmm, Quality Street - my favourite." Then on Boxing day I saw Lindsey in the Ballymena high street phone booth. Even when I'm home it's just like being in London.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Covered In Gore

I really covered myself in glory putting these gnats in their place. Splat! Splat! Splat! 'Marcus' of HP Sauce engages me thus
You weren't paying attention to what I wrote my pre-lunchtime comment on evidence were you Lenin ?

When I asked you for hard evidence that the majority of lawyers considered the Iraq war illegal I didn't think you'd try to fob me off with something as desperate as the Eurolegal site.

For those who don't have the patience to click through Lenin's link (and I don't blame you at all) he linked to a very nice looking site which on the face of it looked like an official EU legal site. Lenin concluded this damning piece of evidence proved the Iraq war was illegal.

Further investigation revealed that it is published by an individual called Mourad Fleming from

"15, Whitmore Close, New Southgate, London N11 1PB - England"

Not exactly an address to inspire a huge amount of respect in legal circles to be sure but I had a look round anyway. Sadly the rest of the site confirmed my impression that it had been set up by one of Lenin's mates who is a law student typing away in his bedroom.

What did I find ? Further evidence of the depths to which Lenin is reduced. Have a look at this quote from the homepage of the Eurolegal site:

"Much of the site is devoted to the Middle East and to international terrorism. We believe that that salafist (islamist) terrorism represents a real threat to peace and stability, not only in Europe, but world-wide.

However, an equal threat to peace and stability may be perceived in the West's failure to protect and preserve the human rights of all peoples in the Middle East. We believe it is both the duty of Europe and in European self-interest to work for peace, justice and human rights in the Middle East"

That's right - the threat to peace and stability in the world is 50% Al Qaeda and 50% the West because the West failed to protect the human rights of those in the middle east.

Poor naive Lenin. What a witless chump.
Another glorious victory! That reactionary Zionist tool Marcus is on the ropes and begging for mercy, but I will squash him like dogshit in my underpants.

I'M NOT AFRAID!

What? It's December already? That can't be right, I still have term papers to colour in. Fuck me, I had better get a move on. After the incident at the non-corporate, non-capitalist, anti-Zionist Burger King, when an agent from that rag I wouldn't even use to wipe my shit-splatters, yes Weekly Worker, tried to murder me with a booby-trapped bacon roll, and I pissed down my leg like a two year old only to be rescued by a fucking pig, I have identified a shadowy and sinister conspiracy to silence the voice of democracy and freedom which is the Socialist Workers Party.
The evidence for this is seen in the Weekly Worker's shamelessly fabricated report of the Socialist Workers Party conference, which was not held at Islington Green. It was held in a location so secret that the Central Committee did not inform the rank and file of the venue until after the conference had concluded. With agents of the bourgeoisie everywhere, secrecy is more important than ever to the cause of democracy.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Theme Week

The second week of October is always Salon Kitty theme week in the Toilet. My mate the heroic [national] socialist Ken Bell aka "Uncle Spanky" has been busy putting the ZIONISTS in their place. Everything was going great and then someone told the fucking ZIONISTS and I had to scramble out a fucking fulsome and crawling fucking retraction. Fucking fuck eh? What a cunt! I explained to KB that I didn't want to delete his comments about Jews and that if he shut up about it he could keep wearing his shiny boots. A wink is as good as a nod. Ken's a top guy. He sells spanking VCDs featuring "schoolgirls", and that's cool because as Zizek tells us, adult male fetishization of sexual violence against children symbolises the colonialist oppression systemic in Modernity" - and it's good for a whack.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Today Hartlepool, tomorrow the Wetherby Bypass

I will be studying an amazing new subject this term, Magic and Marxism - towards a new synthesis: Marxism as an alternative therapy in a postmodern world. I have done quite a lot of pre-term reading on the theoretical basis of this, and I won't be surprised to see it adopted as policy by the Central Committee. It draws the analogy between Marxism and homeopathic medicines - as you dilute the active ingredients, their effects are greatly enhanced. The results in Hartlepool might look like defeat to the politically naive, but the scarcity of votes indicates a total victory over the fascist bourgeois Zionist scum of Bliar and the fox-fucking party.

As the comrade notes in his comment on the post below, the revolution is a matter of weeks away.

Students of the World unite! You have nothing to lose but your grants!

Saturday, September 25, 2004

STALINIST PIGS

This is bollocks, obviously
Under John Rees the Socialist Workers Party is relentlessly being refashioned into a vehicle to promote left populism. But many SWP members are unhappy and a few seem to be actively contemplating rebellion.

Externally, the Rees regime means crass electoralism - “a popular, radical alternative to neoliberalism and war”, in his words (Socialist Worker September 19). Fearing anything that might bring temporary unpopularity, the SWP has retreated from taking a definite principled stand on issues as diverse as a workers’ representative receiving a worker’s wage, opposition to all immigration controls, republicanism and supporting abortion rights. Lowest common denominator unity and making it as councillors and MPs is all that counts...

Some leading SWPers fear that comrade Rees in particular has ‘gone native’ in Respect - we have even been told that Rob Hoveman is amongst them. Reportedly he wants to quit as Respect organiser (permission was denied). Certainly the way John Rees and Lindsey German excitedly contrast the ‘new’ coalition to the ‘boring’ old left is being used as prima facia evidence of an opportunist metamorphosis.

It is easy to see why. For example, in the September 18 issue of Socialist Worker, comrade Rees says: “Respect has always done best … when it organises in ways that the traditional left has not.” He goes on to cite some examples: In Hartlepool, Respect football supporters are apparently “organising to hold up ‘Vote John Bloom’ placards at the match”. In Islington, “Respect is sponsoring a showing of Ken Loach’s Navigators” and in Birmingham, the local Respect organised a “Picnic for Peace in a local park”, with stalls, a barbecue and “inflatable castle”. In the same vein, the comrade lauds the experience of “the Italian left”, with its “long tradition of street festivals and cultural activities” which “Respect should replicate in this country”...

Again, this is nonsense. Cultural activities and political meetings should not be counterposed. They can and ought to complement each other. But serious political meetings should come first. Without them Respect’s membership cannot learn from each other, cannot think critically and cannot even begin to challenge the leadership. Clearly what the Rees-German partnership intend. Politics is to be for them and their chosen circle alone. They will flatter, bargain with, and manage the celebrities: George Galloway, Yvonne Ridley, Ken Loach, Mark Serwotka, etc. Meanwhile the rank and file is expected to get on with the donkey work of dishing out leaflets, raising the money and canvassing. Their reward for all the hard work is effectively to be a version of bread and circuses ... picnics and peace festivals.

The SWP once boasted of 10,000 members and Socialist Worker sales of 30,000. Very unlikely, even in the mid-1970s. Our estimate for dues-paying membership today would be around 2,000. But in terms of active members it surely cannot be more than a 1,000. A figure given credence by Respect’s own claim that it has notched up 3,500 paper members. Weekly Shirker Number 545
Lying bastard filthy scum Stalinist pig-dogs (except for Uncle George of course). Lindsey's fuckin' spitting! She's been in the phone booth on the Kilburn High Road screaming at people all afternoon.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Friends of Lenny continued

Another friend of mine is a guy called RastaDave. He likes his reggae music and stuff because that shows how 'down' he is. Oh, i nearly forgot he also hates Jews. He thinks they are dirty and smelly because they are the cause of all that is wrong in the world. He has these great ideas on things, like for instance that the BNP is an organisation that is funded and controlled by the NAZIJEWS. He's amazing! He likes the nice suicide martyrs as well. You know, the ones who kill the JEWS and then go to heaven for the virgins and grapes and some other stuff that I forget at the moment. I bet he's rooting for those holding the evil children in Russia hostage right now as well. They will probably be JEWS anyway so that'll be OK. You have to admit he's certainly radical isn't he? He's been over at that horrible Labour voting person's blog called Erictheblair or something today leavung comments as usual. I bet he's talking about how he isn't a NAZI but the JEWS are evil again. Not that he seems fixated or anything you understand.

Sucking the dick of Zizek

Today I thought it would be nice to talk about post-modernism and fucking. I love Slavoj Zizek meself, so I do, to be sure. I found this (below) that I can cut and paste by him so I can show you all how terribly laa dee dah and open minded I am. It's some pretentious crap about fist fucking. I would let him do me right up the tradesman's, if he wanted to that is. My lecturers usually use plenty of lubricant when they do me because I'm a bit tight down there, they do however, give me extra marks in my Magik class.
And, to go a step further, is the practise of fist-fucking not the exemplary case of what Deleuze called the "expansion of a concept"? The fist is put to a new use; the notion of penetration is expanded into the combination of the hand with sexual penetration, into the exploration of the inside of a body. No wonder Foucault, Deleuze's Other, practised fisting: is fist-fucking not the sexual invention of the twentieth century, the first model of postsexual eroticism and pleasure? It is no longer genitalised but focused just on the penetration of the surface, with the role of the phallus being taken over by the hand, the autonomous partial object par excellence. (Slavoj Zizek, Organs Without Bodies: On Deleuze and Consequences, 2004, p 184).

Saturday, August 28, 2004

This guy really bugs me

That fucker Benjamin follows me around like a fucking lost puppy. He's always trying to get me over to his place for tea and chips. He has a huge collection of mouldy old chip-wrappers, and he writes the place and date of purchase on them - I've never been anywhere with such a powerful smell of vinegar. And the smell coming from the chips was quite bad as well.

But anyway, The Revolution is not for the faint of heart. There will come a day when men and women of action will need iron will and steely resolve. When the useful idiots are no longer useful we will give them over to the jihadists. No hard feelings though Benjamin. Nice cup of tea and the saucer was pretty. I'm bringing Lyndsey next time as well. She can talk to your imaginary girlfriend while we sort out the deviationists.